Kittypon (kittypon42) wrote in writers_digest,
Kittypon
kittypon42
writers_digest

I'm new! omk O^O


uh, yeah.
So I just joined this thing...hi....
okay, so I suppose I'll post this...um, this is a book I'm working on. Seven chapters down so far, but I'm planning about a thousand more revisions, especially on the first few chapters. Anyway, basically this is a sort of comedy/action kind of story about Hikari Uchida, a 17 year old japanese kid who, due to an incident involving pachinko and a brick wall, ends up working for vampires.
I know, vampires...they've never been used before. Hopefully this doesn't ruin everything for you..
oh, yeah. Right now, I have it titled as Vampire-sempai...but this could change...
So here it is, please give your comments and advice so I can improve this...thanks!!

 

Vampire-sempai (The Re-revised Version)

Chapter 1


“Absolutely no good.” Muttered Hikari Uchida under his breath. “No good at all.” It had just stopped raining, and in the middle of the night, he whipped around the corner into an alley and thought about what a terrible cliché this was becoming.

This particular vampire slayer was being chased through the bad part of Tokyo by some beefy guy with a buzz cut and fangs, just for fun.

Something about all this was especially odd to Hikari, as he’d spent three years chasing down vampires, never the other way around. For the duration of those three years, he’d never questioned the fact that every vampire he’d killed looked more or less the same. That is, angsty, pubescent and Gothic.

Meanwhile, the dude tailing him looked in his mid-thirties and was wearing a tailored-to-perfection, brown suede suit.

“C’mon kid! I just want to talk.” The vampire called loudly, even though he was only fifteen feet behind. “What a pity, because my blood cells are just getting over Bronchitis. Maybe some other time.”

Hikari turned his head (Which in the momentum was whipped with wet red hair) to direct a matter-of-fact smirk at the bloodsucker, but it was cut short when he slammed straight into the back wall of a run down Pachinko Parlor. He planned on laughing bitterly, but his head insisted on doing somersaults instead.

At that exact moment, inside the Pachinko Parlor, some old man won a digital camera and jumped with ecstatic joy. After forty-two hours, he could finally use a bathroom.

Hikari closed his eyes and waited for the bright light, but, shockingly, he was heaved rather unceremoniously onto a broad shoulder. He opened his eyes slightly to see his captor talking on a pink cellphone.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I caught that slayer kid. Sure, whatever, I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Oh, what fun...” Hikari blubbered as he fell unconscious.

* * * * * *

Hikari woke up two hours later with a start after falling off an uncomfortable metal chair. Pushing away damp strands of red hair and wiping gray eyes, he stared at the uncomfortable metal table, which stared equally at him, and the fifteen year old girl with the malicious grin on her face.

The girl had long black hair and violet eyes that said ‘You’re a useless idiot, Uchida.’ Hikari gathered from the pale skin that she wasn’t from Japan.

He also gathered himself back onto his uncomfortable chair with a professional look and wondered if all the rooms in Heaven looked like an interrogation room off CSI.

But, if this was Heaven, he was quite disappointed. He’d expected a lot more virgins.

“I’m not a virgin.”

Awkward silence quickly followed.

Finally, the fifteen year old let out a pitiful sigh. “Okay, I’ll start. Hi, I’m Akuma Higashiosaka and, no, I can’t read minds. You’re young. The young ones always think the same thing...”

Hikari nodded incoherently. “But...I’m two years younger than you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I’m...17...?” He was no longer sure of his position in all this.

“I’m aware of that.” Akuma tossed a manila folder onto the table. “So, guess what’s in the folder.”

“Information you’ve gathered on me.” Hikari answered matter-of-factly, attempting to regain his composure.

“CORRECT!!” Akuma cried, throwing the folder in a random direction and resting her legs on the uncomfortable table, whose stare was still unwavered.

I would really like to give you an outstanding, weirdly interesting description of the look currently on Hikari's face. But I can't; it's impossible. Sorry. “So why am I here again?”

“Because you’re stealing my thunder and it’s pissing me off.”

“Ah. I’m going to go ahead and pretend that actually answered the question.”

Akuma crossed her arms testily. “Well, my job here is to take care of newbies, idiots and rebels before they unveil the vampire’s existence to the world. You’ve been doing me a sort of favor by killing off a bunch of newbies. Haven’t you noticed that all your vamps look the same?”

Hikari’s eyes dropped to the floor.

“In short, you’re a useless idiot, Uchida.” Stated the female vampire. “But not completely useless. You’ve got skill, and I could use you on the Kittypon Division.”

“Did you just say...-”

“The creator lost a bet a long time ago.” Akuma muttered, waving off the topic with a hand. “but that’s not the point.”

“Look, you’ve got two choices. Either you work for me or I send you up to the Council and they more-than-likely execute you since they’ve got nothing better to do.” Akuma made her point with ridiculously outrageous hand gestures.

It was a very complicated decision. Work for weird vampire chick, or die.

Work for the Kittypon Division.

Or die.

Hikari wasn’t completely certain which one was supposed to be worse.

Five minutes later, Hikari still hadn’t the faintest idea of his decision. His thoughts were further tampered with when a loud mechanical beep sounded from the intercom overhead.

“Akuma?” It said acidly.

“Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, as I’m busy feeding my eighty-seven point five cats. Please leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you in about twelve hours. BEEP!”

“Akuma, what are you doing with that human?” The annoyed female voice persisted.

“You’re no fun, Saskia.” Akuma smiled in reply. “How’d you know?”

“Me and the Council can smell his dinner from here.”

Hikari tried his breaths. Onions.

“Oh, and what did he eat?” Asked Akuma innocently.

“You don’t already know?”

“I choose to ignore it.”

Saskia sighed over the intercom. “For the good of Uchida’s health, I’m unable to tell you.”

“Sure you are! It can’t be that bad, hm?” Akuma eyed Hikari slyly.

“Fine, but I’m not being blamed for your reaction.”

Saskia paused.

“He had a Big Mac and fries.”

Akuma’s eyes narrowed to tight slits, but she didn’t get to say anything because a male voice had just joined Saskia’s.

“Akuma, take the human and get to the Council Room now!” It ordered.

Akuma pouted. “But Kion, Uchida-kun already agreed to work for me, right?” She glanced at Hikari hopefully

Hikari opened his mouth, but said nothing. He still wasn’t certain whether death was more humiliating than the Kittypon Division.

“It doesn’t matter.” Kion rehashed. “Don’t make me come down there!”

Reluctantly, Akuma stood up. “Fine. Have it your way...” She sneered up at the intercom speaker. “Little brother.”

“I will, then.” Jeered Kion. “And no doddling!”

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Lord Kion?” Akuma sang.

“No. I’m not.” Insisted Kion.

“Say it.”

“It’s not happening.”

Say it.

Kion sighed deeply, to which the intercom added high whistling sounds. “Thank you...older sister...” He seethed in exasperation.

“You’re welcome!” Akuma chirped, grabbing Hikari by the ear and strutting out of the interrogation room.

“By the way,” She hissed in his ear as they made their way to the elevator. “I’m never forgiving you for eating that crap!”

They got on the red-walled elevator and went up to the forty-second floor. When it opened, a ten-foot tall, red cedar door glared blankly at them. Right in the middle, a cheerily blunt sign read:

The Spicy Diamond. Disturb And Die!

“The guy sucked at Poker, okay.” Huffed Akuma before Hikari could ask. With a bored flourish, Akuma opened the door and Hikari was left to take in the at-least-hundred-person, diamond shaped conference table. What made it even huger was the fact that only thirteen people were seated at it. Nine of them had large, shiny plaques with their names on it sitting in front of them.

At the head of the table was Lord William, an ancient-looking old man with long, scraggly hair and an even longer beard.

On his right side was a bald, middle aged man named Edward with an optimistic smile on his face. The chair beside him was empty and it’s plaque was face down.

After that was Lord Vladimir, a young man with black hair and eyes. Next was Lady Ruzarin, who had medium brown hair that was short in the back and longer at the front. The right side ended with Nikita, a young woman with ginger hair tied in a ponytail and gray eyes that matched Hikari’s.

Then there were the vampires on William’s left. At this point, Hikari was getting a little tired.

It started with an eight year old named Desdemona. This caught Hikari’s attention. Long blond hair fell in waves beside her face, and a pair of stoic brown eyes stared intimidatingly at him. Beside her were an equally hard-staring pair of violet eyes, set into a stern male face that was covered in shoulder-length brown hair. Athira, said his plaque

Then came Allissia, a professionally dressed vamp with perfectly straight blond hair and squeaky-clean glasses. Finally, the row of plaques ended with Kion, who was giving Akuma a condescending look through bright green eyes. Hikari wondered how much gel the guy had to use to keep his brown-colored spikes of hair up like that.

To Hikari’s minor complaint, there were still more people. Way on the other side of The Spicy Diamond sat a twenty-five year old man with a bowl cut and a sweater-vest, then a tall blond woman who was chatting in a British accent. Next a Japanese woman with short black hair, black eyes and an almost fluorescent orange sweater that was at least two sizes too big.

Akuma took a seat beside a blue haired female with an annoyed expression, and then asked Hikari quizzically, “Are you sitting down, or what? Hellooo, is anyone in there?”

Hikari broke out of his lapse of peer analysis and sat down beside Akuma after a few quick nods. “So, uhh...” He began confidently. “Who are these four?”

Akuma pointed at the guy in the pink sweater vest. “That jerk is Chase Green,” Chase replied with a dejected mock-crying look. Akuma ignored him at pointed to the blond beside him. “That’s Kristen Stevens, from England. She’s Haruka Nishimura, and this is Saskia Berglund.”

Hikari held up a hand in greeting and smiled sheepishly. “Yo, I’m Hikari Uchida, but I guess you already knew that.”

On the far end of the Diamond, Lord William tapped the microphone sitting on the table in front of him. “Testing, testing.”

Akuma scooped up her microphone. “Hey! What’s up people?”

Lord Edward’s contented smile grew a little bit, while Kion’s head smacked onto the table. It leapt up again immediately in pain, and he glared harshly when Akuma proceeded to point at him and laugh. Willaim tried to get the meeting back under control.

“Ms. Akuma, why have you brought the human into Ringo Station without permission?” He asked in a hoarse, cracking voice.

“The human has a name..” Muttered Hikari. “Wait!! Ringo Station?!” Exclaimed Hikari incredulously.

Ringo Station was in fact an impressively popular news station, or so thought most of the human population of Tokyo. It was even the channel on which Hikari got his daily scoop on some movie star’s latest baby bump. It horrified him to think that, every day, a bloodsucking vampire was telling him the chance of rain.

“Yes, actually...” William replied tiredly.

“Everyone’s always so surprised by that. Why?” Edward pondered, eying Hikari over his glasses. “I mean, the building’s covered in red from head to toe, there’s a Starbuck’s on the corner, and the architecture is just perfect, isn’t it?”

“You’re only saying that cause you built the damn place.” Akuma retorted. “If it’d been anyone else, you’d hate it!”

Edward just smiled warmly. “You know me better than I know myself, my daughter.”

Athira finally coughed into his microphone. “If I could interrupt for just one moment, there is, in fact, a point to us being here.” His stern gaze gazed rather sternly in Akuma’s direction.

Akuma rolled her eyes and rested her arms impolitely on the table. “Fine. Uchida’s working for me, maybe even as my partner.”

“And what about Yagami?” Desdemona put in.

“I’ll transfer him. He kind of sucks eggs anyway, y’know.”

“And what is the human’s opinion in all this?”

“Holy hell! What are you, like eight?!” Was Hikari’s opinion.

Desdemona stared at him blankly. “Actually, my ignorant friend, I was born in 1423. So no, I’m not, like, eight.”

Hikari winced. “Uh...sorry...?”

“Akuma, you don’t just get to bring in a human and hire him on the spot. It’s dangerous and you don’t have the authority.” Kion stated icedly.

“Yeah, I know. But I have my dad’s consent, and if anybody has authority, he does.” Akuma pointed out.

Edward nodded in agreement. “I did give her my consent. Uchida-san is a capable peacemaker and he doesn’t seem to have many human friends to babble to.” Hikari was pretty sure there was an insult hidden in there somewhere.

“If worse comes to worse, we kill him and it’s over.” Saskia expounded, pushing a lock of dyed blue hair behind her ear.

“Saskia!” Scorned Lady Ruzarin. “Be a little more pleasant than that. Your father wouldn’t like it.”

“Yeah, and look what happened to him...” Saskia muttered under her breath. “But it’s the truth anyway, so...”

Gosh Sas!” Chase snipped jokingly. “You’re such a hard-ass!” Kristen blushed, smiled nervously, and became immensely distracted by a stray thread on her jeans.

“Could we get back on topic please?” Questioned Vladimir with a bored sigh. “This is getting incredibly dull.” Everyone finally hushed into silence.

This hushed silence accidentally ended up lasting three minutes, and everyone looked at somebody else, while the somebody else looked at some other somebody else and it went on in a confusing cycle.

“Somebody can say something now.” Vladimir urged to one of the some other somebody elses. This happened to be Lady Allissia, and she hesitantly cleared her throat and grabbed her microphone.

“I personally see nothing wrong with having Uchida here. I trust Akuma’s judgment. Anybody else?”

“Yeah. I think Hikari would be a good person to have here. Talking to only vampires all the time is getting rather old, don’t you think?” Noted Lady Nikita.

“Akuma can do whatever she wants, but what do her friends think?” Kion asked sourly.

“It’ll take a while to register all his files, but I’m okay with it.” Kristen blushed harder. Chase and Haruka nodded in agreement.

“Sure, whatever.” Agreed Saskia, suddenly in a good mood.

“Um.” Lord William announced after a minute. “So what am I saying here?” Desdemona craned her tiny neck and whispered something in his ear. “Oh, okay, that works.” He nodded earnestly. “Hikari Uchida, you are now a peacemaker on the Kittypon Division.”

“Whereas you are no longer allowed to complain about the hideous name choices.” Vladimir interjected with a sly grin.

“Yes, I suppose so.” William coughed out obliviously. “Anyway, you will be trading places with Yagami Matsuyama as Akuma’s partner, but Akuma will be your mentor and therefore superior. And that’s about it, I think.”

“One more thing.” Continued Desdemona, looking at Hikari still. “If you ever tell a single human soul that vampires exist, or make any attempt to revolt against Akuma or any of us, your dead. Please keep that in mind.”

Hikari gulped and nodded. He’d have it memorized.

“So I suppose we get started then, shall we?” Kristen smiled, getting out of her chair.

“Yup.” Replied Akuma, leading Hikari out of the Spicy Diamond. “The quicker the better.”

“So, now that that’s over with, anyone for a cup of tea?” Asked William with a shaky, hang-dog smile.

The other Council members rolled their eyes and went off.

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  • 3 comments
“Actually, my ignorant friend, I was born in 1423. So no, I’m not, like, eight.”

WOW! This line just made my night. It came off all sarcastic - I could see the brow lift, the slightly disgusted frown. Unless I got it all scrambled and that's not how you envisioned it! ;)

I liked this. There were some minor grammar mistakes (So minor I don't remember where) and the character's are only in their baby diapers, so to speak. The next couple chapters should throw some light on WHY Akuma dislikes MDonald's so much. I found that an odd but likeable quirk.

But Yayness! Good start. I'll be looking for more!
lol
thanks a bunch for commenting on this!!
That's exactly how I imagined it...whoot!

yeah, this is probably my least favorite chapter. I'm going to have to do a lot of revision on it before I'll like it. It the next chapters there's a lot more detail and work going into it

Again thanks!! >^o^>
I'm addicted to vampire series right now, so I was pleased to stumble onto your posting this evening...This is refreshing compared to my recent devour of vampire series...What I find original is I haven't seen any set in Tokyo...I'm also a total continuity snob...I realize this is a rough draft, but how did Hikari know that Akuma was 15 to comment on being 2 years younger and didn't you mean 2 years older considering he's 17 and she's 15? The name plaques save you on the character introductions in the room with the table that seats 100 people? Is that a slight overstatement of fact, or is that the reality? One thing you could use to add humor to the piece would be giving people funny names based on their physical characteristics...For example, Saskia has blue hair (I think it was Saskia), maybe referring to her as the smurf lady or blue man group's main squeeze...Instead of her actual name...Also you toss a lot, I mean a lot, I mean a whole lot of characters at the reader right upfront...It kinda works but that's just more work for you...So far I see an Anita Blake thing set in Japan, with a male who is 7 years younger...But I feel you kinda leaning towards humor a bit with the piece...Although I am aware of your pop culture references, I recently learned that some people aren't always and in my own writing I have to make sure I explain enough that the non-tv, movie, music addict can still enjoy the reference...Great start and yes I really loved the "Actually, my ignorant friend..." line as well, and I can't wait to read more chapters...Hope I wasn't too opinionated, but I write some stuff and love real indepth feedback, I feel it helps me grow as a writer more than, "Loved it, write more"...